Finding the Beauty

Written by Amy Banocy

March 11, 2021

During my morning practice group, our amazing facilitator draws a card each day. This one brought up a lot of deep conversations centered around ideas of  what is beauty and who decides what is beautiful?

Credit: Alisha Wielfaert
Credit: Alisha Wielfaert

It also brought up a resentment toward the ideas of BEAUTY and someone said something that resonated with me so much. She was talking about how she is in a really awful work situation, but there is nothing she can really do about the actual situation. I know nothing about her situation, but what she said next, hit me like a ton of bricks.

She said that rather than focusing energy on trying to change something that cannot be changed, her therapist advised her to find ways throughout the day to do the small things that bring her joy and essentially trick her mind/body into believing she is in a joyful place. She told her to drink all the tea all day long, take the bath, eat citrus foods, etc. What I heard from that, was that she was essentially reminded of the tools she has that make her feel good and more than that, she was granted permission to use them, and use them as often as she could.

The past few days have been very tough for me emotionally. I think, with my parents having returned home for the week, I’ve allowed myself more space and time to try and process what is actually happening in my life right now. This has led to a lot of anger. I’m fucking angry that I have cancer. I’m mad that surgery wasn’t enough, that I have to endure the current post surgical pain AND have potentially more pain and discomfort added to it through additional treatments. I cry because I’m not sure how much more I can take. (I know, here I am, a positive mindset speaker, talking quite openly about not feeling very positive! Hey, I promised you honesty and vulnerability sister!! Shall we continue….)

As someone who has lived with anxiety and depression since my teen years, I am very cautious of how long I stay in that place of anger and sadness. It’s a fine line for me to walk. Yes, those emotions are 100% super important to feel, validate, allow and navigate. I do this, but I also know I can’t let myself fall prey to them becoming bigger than me, allowing them to take over.

I need things that remind me that I am more than this current situation. I am not cancer and cancer is not me.

It sucks, really fucking sucks, but at some point I also just need to say it is what it is, right? And that along with my medical team, we are doing everything we can to get rid of it and make sure it doesn’t come back.

This is where what my friend shared this morning comes into play. I’m not saying I’m throwing my hands up and giving up in any way. Please, do not mistake this for that! I’m saying, that other than what we’re doing now, what can I do to make myself feel good? What can I do, to trick my mind and body right now when I need or want to feel joyful? The situation is what it is and there is a level of radical acceptance that comes with that. I have breast cancer. That is a fact. After radical acceptance, the next step is remembering the tools I have that make me feel good and doing them time and time again, as a way of bringing me comfort and beauty. 

So this is me, giving myself (and YOU) permission to do these things! Yours may look different, but for me it means:

  • Meditation
  • Watercolor painting
  • Walking in nature 
  • Wearing comfy pajamas to bed
  • Having conversations with people who give me energy and not those who drain me of energy

I’d love to know if this concept resonates with you. Do you do this already or was this a good reminder? Did you feel a sense of permission granted when you read this? 

We all deserve to know we are beautiful inside and out. We deserve to feel good and do the things which make us feel good. What will you do today to claim your beauty and joy?

(Shout out to my amazing morning group ladies and our incredible leader/facilitator Alisha! So much love for you all! If anyone reading this would like more info on the group, check it out here.)

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