Mixed Emotions

Written by Amy Banocy

July 30, 2021

The smiles you see on my face in these pictures are 100% authentic and real. They represent my light. My superpowers. Joy, love and abundance. It’s a major part of who I am. It’s all over my website. I speak about it. I exude it. I live it and I help other women cultivate a happiness mindset. All of this is so ME!

A major part of the work in choosing happiness, includes learning to recognize, honor and talk about the not so smiley times. They’re not often captured in photos, yet they can burn deep images and memories within us. They are the dark, the shadow. Expressing these emotions is healthy, necessary and I believe, beautiful. After all, the rainbow can’t exist without both the rain and the sun.

The following is from my 7/27 journaling and #CancerDiaries.

I have been having such a great time with my mom here at Lansdowne and I am so glad we are doing this and having this time together. We’ve been having good laughs and some really great conversations.

Seeing the box of steroids sitting on the bathroom counter this morning, the realization once again sunk in, chemo is today. FUCK!!! It’s not that I really ever forget, but rather at times, I’m able to do normal life things and feel a bit more like normal pre-cancer Amy. Then reality hits again. My stomach sinks. The emotions flow back. I am brought to my core reality.

It’s time to jack up my body with steroids as I prepare for it to be invaded by chemo in an effort to annihilate this fucking disease, and in the process it’ll make me feel like shit again. These toxins they put in my body to heal me, also hurt me. The visualization comes to me; the nurse putting on her protective gown, so the toxic medicine doesn’t touch her as she removes it from the outer bag labeled with HAZARD symbols. Yes, this is the same medicine that will be put in my body to help heal me. WTF?! In the process, I’ll feel like shit again. Low to no energy. More sleeping than I could ever imagine. Loss of appetite. Bouts of hunger and fueling my body when I can, which many times just leads to nausea so bad I can’t stand it or diarrhea for what seems like endless hours. I’ll fuel my body with all the things I know to help it through this. I’ll go to acupuncture when I can. I’ll go to therapy. I’ll walk when I can. I’ll stretch. I’ll do what I can, when I can. This cycle will repeat itself over the days.

It’s a love-hate relationship I have with chemo. I hold faith it’s killing the cancer while pushing through the immense fuckery it causes my body. I cling tightly to the days, hours and minutes when I do feel good and can enjoy simple, precious moments like this time, an incredible massage, and good chats, meals, laughter and creating special moments with my mom that will forever live in my heart and mind.

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