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PATHOLOGY & EMOTIONS

Written by Amy Banocy

September 27, 2021

Damn, emotions and feelings can be so fucking complicated, can’t they?!?! 

13 LYMPH NODES REMOVED AND NO EVIDENCE OF METASTATIC CARCINOMA! 

Best words I’ve heard from a doctor since 12/10/20! 

So why did these words fall so flat? Why am I not jumping for joy? Why am I not crying tears of happiness? 

Yes, I am of course, 100% so freakin happy with this news. It is the best news! It means there is no cancer in my remaining left axillary lymph nodes! No cancer! Chemo did its fucking job! 

It’s amazing…AND….I’m still not ready to celebrate. (Notice the “AND”….this is not a “BUT.”) It is both these things at once. 

I’m not ready to celebrate because…..

◾️   I still have a ways to go until I’m technically finished with treatment and declared NED (No Evidence of Disease) – that consists of 10 more infusion treatments over 30 weeks and 25 rounds of radiation over 5 weeks  

◾️  Having breast cancer has forever changed me – I wonder how long it’ll be until I’m comfortable with my new body and whether I’ll always see cancer when I take my bra off. I wonder whether I’ll feel the same fear I feel right now, 6 months, and 6 years, from now. 

◾️  Frankly, right now, in this moment, I’m fearful it will come back. I never ever thought about cancer before having it. I wasn’t someone who walked around thinking I’d be diagnosed and worrying about it. Now I am and I do worry.

◾️   Cancer will forever be present in my life – the scars, the FOOBS, the check ups, the mental and emotional wounds, the fear of recurrence, possible additional surgeries

◾️  Too many women, way too fucking many, haven’t or won’t get to hear the words I did. There’s a lot of guilt and sadness and anger that come with knowing that. 

So, am I happy with the pathology results? You better believe it. 

AND…

I’m still sad, scared, feeling guilty, and oh so fucking mad at cancer. 

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