We make many decisions throughout our lifetime. Some of them easier than others. Some of them we can not imagine what we would decide until we find ourselves faced with that dilemma. Over the recent months, I’ve had to make many decisions…some easier than others, many that I never imagined I’d have to make and several which when faced with the decision, had different thoughts about than what I always thought I’d do. I have learned more about breast cancer, genetics and plastic surgery, than I ever may have wanted to and all of that knowledge, plus my own intuition and inner wisdom have guided me in making decisions.
On February 16th, I will have surgery to remove both of my breasts, a bilateral mastectomy. Even as I type it, it doesn’t seem real. The reality comes in waves and my emotions have run the gamut, and I’m honestly not sure the reality of it all will truly hit me until I am at the hospital, prepping for surgery.
As I previously shared, losing the left breast was a definite. The cancer, while believed to be contained to the ducts, (thankful for this!) is so widespread that there is no other option. I did however have the option to do further biopsies on the right breast, and if the areas of concern were not cancerous, to keep that breast. I always thought that if ever faced with cancer, I would say Just take them. They’re just breasts.”, until actually being faced with this decision.
The thoughts whirled around in my mind …. If I kept the right breast, would I constantly worry about cancer there? Why would I remove a breast that doesn’t HAVE to be taken from me? I’m BRCA negative, so is it really likely that there is cancer in that breast or ever would be? Why put myself through more biopsies when I can just remove it and have peace of mind?
In the end, I’ve decided to remove both breasts.
So, I have 14 days left with my current physical body. The irony of a lot of this, is that I, like many, have struggled with body image for most of my life. I had only recently begun to truly love and respect my body and now parts of it will be taken away and new parts given. I know there will be challenges and for those I am prepared as much as I can be. That said, I promise to love this body. I will honor this body. Now and in its future state.
Another decision I had to make was about reconstruction. I have learned way more than I ever thought I’d know in this area. For several reasons, I went into this process really, really not wanting implants. Well, adding insult to injury, I was told that I do not have enough fatty tissue, to use my own body to construct new breasts. This really pissed me off! Not only do I have breast cancer and have to deal with this shit, but now I’m basically being penalized for having a healthy body! I mean, WTactualF!
So the other option is implants, which in the end, is what I will be doing. This surgery will happen about 3 months after the 1st.
For the next 2 weeks, I will continue to prepare mentally, emotionally and physically for this next leg of my journey. Again, I am so grateful for all of you and the positive, healing energy you are sending. Keep it coming and pray that along with losing my breasts, I will be losing all of the cancer!!!